I am a woman that had a very difficult time embracing my messy past.
I struggled with the acceptance portion of both embracing who I am now, while including my shame filled stories. Constantly wading between feeling worthy and feeling as though I had much to make up for in order for me to be able to choose love for myself. How could I be worthy? I have been in rehab, been in a residential care facility, been arrested, been shamed and shunned left and right, I was numb for many years, I was rageful and splattered my brokeneness on others, I was hurting and so I hurt others, broken hearts and broken friendships, unhealthy relationships that ended in abuse, losing my voice, not knowing my worth, and being confused and lost in my own world. Where could I find worthiness in this? When would I be worthy enough to love all of me and my story?
Maybe it would be through accomplishing enough, educating myself enough, mirroring growth for long enough, living a healthy lifestyle.... no, none of that would enable me to choose love for myself. I had to realize I was already worthy from day one, I was enough, even in the messyness and the moments that make my stomach cringe. I was enough and that was only for me to choose, not the world. A battle with my own soul and heart to venture through and nothing I could do or accomplish could crack open that within my soul. I didnt choose for a long time to be proud of all of who I was. My journey is full of straight up bewildered authenticity. It took some time for me to realize I couldnt throw the wreckless and numbed self to the side and only choose the woman I am today. I had to pick her back up and learn more about her, find beauty in the pain, and discover how to love her first and foremost so I could love who I sit here as today. I had to meet all parts of self in a new light, with a new lense, and with compassion and grace. What was she experiencing? Why was she hurting? Why was she so harsh to herself? Why was she drinking? Why was she self mutilating? Why was she so angry? Why was she so careless? Why was she so lost? In answering all these questions and diving into my time line I was able to love her and embrace her because she led me here. She led me toinvest in social work, to be the momma I am, to be the friend I am, to be the advocate I am, to be able to see and feel what truly living is all about, to be able to have true gratitude for those in my life and to be wise enough to know who I desire in my corner, to see and trust my own wisdom and to know what sets my soul on fire and to fiercely pursue it.
There will always be days you wish you could re-live and re-write pages of your story that cover your arms with goosebumps and and make your stomache cringe but once you allow the feelings to rise up, be heard. and greet them with speaking truth and love...you truly are able to see yourself.
It's one thing to speak on your journey, its another to be able to look in the mirror or curl up to journal or wade through those feelings and still see yourself as worthy. These days, these memories, and these moments of reminiscing will rattle you up every now and again, will make you feel small and will cause you to doubt your worthiness and your ability to fully love the soul you are today.
The woman I am has been a beautiful and wrecklessly mirror image of rising from the ashes of your life with resiliency as the sword of love to find who I was intended to be.
Even in the pain, in the sadness, and in the growth....you must still find yourself as worthy.
I am worthy for all I am and for all I have endured and trudged through, and all of me is worthy of being loved straight up in that. As are you.
Continue to soul search, dig into all you are made of, and meet and greet the seasons of life you try to rid your timeline of.
Realize what areas you need to grow in and choose love for yourself as you venture through.
Yes, my life has been messy, but each chapter makes me, ME, & these parts need love and compassion, just as who I am today does.
Jaydee Graham is the truth teller behind the soulful hub, The Soul Grind. She thrives in advocating for those who have trouble doing so for themselves, and finds the essence of life within soulful conversations infused by coffee. She is a healing woman who channels her soul into writing, so that others may feel seen, heard, and empowered to step into their journey and love themselves.
She is authentically human and brave enough to step into the messy ness of her life to rise up in who she is intended to be.
Let’s get soulful.